I often wish we had been closer. I also wish there was a way for me to let go of so many things I hold inside. I have so much anger and resentment just sitting there. There are so many things I wish I could have had the courage to ask you.
Why did you let me go with him? Weren't you worried about me? How could you not know? HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?? Why didn’t you ever ask? Was it just easier to send me away with him, than to deal with me…and love me?
Why did you send me to school in dirty clothes? Why didn’t you pack me a lunch? Why didn’t you spend time with me? Why didn’t you tell me about boys? Friends? Sex? Why did you call me stupid? A bitch? Why didn’t you take better care of me, of them??? We were just kids! Babies. Children. They were worthless men…where are they now?
…Why didn’t you love me? Yes I’m sure you did…but I just never felt it.
What about being a mother? Giving birth? Having a newborn? Having a daughter? Having a son? I have no idea what I’m doing. None whatsoever…I wing it every day. I question every little thing…everything! “Will this screw her up?” “Will she remember this advice?” “Should I even feed him this?” “Should I let her have another pack of fruit-snacks” “Did I yell too loud?”
I know after the alcohol wore off, and you became sober you were finally a different person. But then It was too late, I had no idea who you were. And I was too mad to find out. I never thanked you for letting me live with them.
“MOMMY, THANK YOU SO MUCH…YOU SAVED ME FROM MYSELF THE DAY YOU LET HER TAKE ME IN..WHEN I THINK OF HAPPY TIMES WITH YOU, I HAVE TO GO BACK TO BEING 3 OR 4. YOU TOOK ME TO SCHOOL…I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO GO…I BEGGED AND PLEADED…CRIED! YOU HAD TO GO..YOU’D SEE ME SOON. THEN THE SCHOOL DAY ENDED AND GUESS WHO CAME TO PICK ME UP? YOU…THERE YOU WERE AND I RAN TO YOUR ARMS…I ALWAYS JUST WANTED YOUR LOVE AND ATTENTION..I HOPE WHERE EVER YOU ARE..YOU CAN READ THIS. REST IN PEACE MOMMY”
Wow. This was intense. I cant quite describe the way I felt reading this, my whole body felt it though. I know this was hard for you to get out and I also know that simply writing about it won't forever quell these feelings inside of you.
ReplyDeleteBut know that I too wish I could ask her such things. I wish I could know why she took care of us that way. Or didn't, really. I wish that you couldve known the person she became. Because you are absolutely right. . .she changed completely. But also, yes, the person she was before was a selfish one. One who didnt know how to be a mother at all.
I know you question how to be one yourself. I see you worry as you reprimand or reward your children. But I can tell you with utter confidence that I look to you as an example of an excellent mother. I hope that I can be as involved, as affectionate, as THERE as you are for your little ones.
I love you.
It was really hard...i've actually been working on it a while. thank you for being my family. i love you so much!
ReplyDeleteVery powerful words. I can feel your pain poured into every key stroke. Really it makes me think back to times that in some ways seem like so long ago they were but a dream.
ReplyDeleteI remember plenty of terrible memories from my childhood but for some reason I hold no resentment towards her. Perhaps I saw it all different because I was younger when it was the worst. Admittedly what you were subject to no one deserves in life.
Theres nothing I can say that you dont already know. Theres nothing I can say that will heal your pain. But she was a tormented soul. She was a relatively simple woman who had children when she was still but a child. But as you know she was diseased, the alcohol poisoned her mind. But she always felt such deep regret for the unfortunate things you were put through. She would cry and say how much she loved you, but just as you felt she didnt know how to say it right.
And I dont know how much you buy into this, but I still contest everything happens for a reason. If nothing else we have learned from the mistakes of our parents.
And im not really sure if all my life's hardships have made me a stronger person. Though, when I look at all my friends who have lived sheltered, happy lives I cant help but feel that they are living in a box unprepared and unsuspecting of what life can do to you. They dont know what overcoming real hardship means, or experienced the pain of having to leave your family or having your family leave you, to leave earth. They are not prepared nor would know how to handle the worst. Though I hope all of the pain is behind us, at least we can know that together theres nothing we cant overcome because we've been there.
I dont know if any of this makes sense to you but ill be damned if your not doing things right. I look at your kids, and I look at your life and I cant stress enough how envious I am.
You know, in some ways our relationship is like yours and moms. Just like you didnt know the real mom when you were young, we didnt know each other for much of our adolescence. But you know whats different? We will learn from the mistakes of our parents. We wont let anything stop our relationship from growing. And I will refuse to not find a way to tell you how I feel. I love you so much and I will always be there for you.
I believe everything happens for a reason too. Maybe Mom dying was a great (but very sad) way to make sure her children grew into adults together and were close and there for each other. I love you too Jerry and will always be there for you as well!
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